Sunday, April 12, 2009

I once gave a waitress a 50% percent tip. Karma has since told me to suck its disease-ridden cock.

A couple of days ago I watched Observe and Report, and I agree with Roger Ebert when he once said something like, You can't really critique a comedy because it's the most subjective of genres, all you can say is if it made you laugh or if it didn't. You can't say that the motherfuckers failed at their job, because maybe they didn't, maybe YOU'RE the one who doesn't know how to enjoy a fuckin' joke. Something like that. Anyway, I laughed quite a bit at this movie.

Seth Rogen plays a mall security guard, and the movie follows him around as he fucks shit up and is totally oblivious to it. The movie has a bit of that episodic feel where you kinda have a plot, but it's really more about the people and how fuckin' funny they are to watch than it is about knowing where the story is headed. Rogen leads a crew of security guards at the mall, and they comprise of a right-hand man with a Mike Tyson-ish lisp, twin Asian brothers that are really into guns, and this young kid who is currently working as a host at a restaurant but is soon going to quit to work full-time with the crew. What's going to make or break this movie for you is whether or not you think you can hang with a very unlikable character as your lead. For me, it really depends on the kind of movie.

For example, last night I put on a movie called New York, New York. It's a Martin Scorsese movie that I've never seen, and after about 45 minutes of watching it, I realized that I'll probably never finish it. I couldn't stand the main characters, and I got the sense that somehow we were supposed to actually care for these assholes. I was like Fuck That Shit and took that movie off, and instead I put on a movie called Boss Nigger. I'll write about that one soon.

But with Observe and Report, while the main character is such a fucking asshole, the movie doesn't really ask you to feel for him. I mean if you want to, go ahead, but it's not necessary. It seems content enough that you just laugh your ass off at how fuckin' oblivious this dude is about his maximum levels of douchebaggitude. And I can definitely roll with that. At least, that's how it felt for me. I didn't give one fuck about any of the characters except for one -- this blonde chick working the counter at something called "Toast in a Bun". She's this really innocent and kind woman who always hooks Rogen up with free coffee. She does that because she has to (mall employees get free coffee), but you can tell she also does it because she likes the guy's company, which is kinda difficult to understand since he's such a prick, but whatever. The heart wants what the heart wants, I guess.

Unfortunately for her, Rogen's heart is after this other chick played by Anna Faris. She works behind the cosmetics counter and she's one of these self-centered party girl types that I think we've all met at least two or three times. Faris knocks it out of the park with her performance, as usual. She's very funny and fearless about looking very fucking stupid in this movie. But I was a little troubled watching her, because it looks like she's finally fallen big time into the Hollywood spell of getting work done on her face and losing way too much weight. Or maybe it's just the way she was made up in this movie. I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because I like her very much. Hopefully it's the fault of the cinematographer and the hair & makeup department, otherwise it was nice knowing you Ms. Faris. Enjoy your anorexia. Say hi to Brittany Murphy for me.

Ray Liotta is in this too and I think he's also had some work done, but since I don't fantasize about fucking him, that shit doesn't matter to me. Or does it?

It was a nice turnout at the movie theater I went to, but only a third of them laughed as much as I did. Most of them were quiet and only laughed a couple of times, at best. Maybe they really thought they were going to get Paul Blart 2 or something more Adam Sandler-like. So I don't have much faith in this flick being a huge success for Rogen like Knocked Up or Pineapple Express. Those two movies had a different kind of humor anyway, so that's probably what's going to turn off a lot of people expecting the same with this movie.

There's nothing warmhearted or even remotely human like there supposedly is in an Apatow flick, based on what people have told me about those movies. The only thing this movie has in common with an Apatow movie is the preference of male nudity over female nudity. That shit has got to stop, by the way. Maybe the right-wing wackos have a point about Hollywood trying to push a gay agenda on the country. Or maybe seeing fat guys running around with their tiny dicks flapping in the wind is just funnier to watch. Fuck that, I prefer titties to funny. There, I said it.

The humor here is less broad and more of the douche-chill variety, so if the idea of watching unlikable people creating uncomfortable situations makes you laugh, then you might dig this flick. Also, if you like the occasional jarring use of graphic violence in a comedy, you might dig this flick. I think what the filmmakers were going for with this movie was a comedic version of a Taxi Driver "God's lonely man" kind of flick. You're following a socially maladroit motherfucker and pretty much counting down to the moment he loses his shit and decides to make that step away from society and a step towards a scarier place where shit only makes sense to the damn near insane.

I can't speak for all of you, but some of us enjoy a masterpiece like Taxi Driver for what it is, but we also can't help but laugh at some of that shit because it's so fuckin' out there. Like that scene when Travis Bickle takes his date to a porno movie, and he honestly has no fuckin' clue that she would be offended by that. Or the scene where Bickle shoots the dude who was trying to rob the liquor store, and then the store owner starts beating the fuck out of the dude with a stick. Maybe we're laughing as a self-defense mechanism at this freaky shit or maybe we're laughing because we're sadistic bastards, but either way we're laughing. Observe and Report is a movie comprised of those kind of scenes. And that's it for the movie "review". Now on to me losing my shit online for your pleasure.

After the movie, I went to a local Norm's to keep up my fat disgusting fuck routine. They have a deal there where if you give them your ticket stub, you get a free sundae. I was so ready to enjoy that sundae after my dinner, but the waitress did something unexpected. She gave me my check along with my meal. I figured, Okay, she gave me the check, but she'll ask me afterwards if I want any dessert when I'm done, just like the other waitresses at this establishment have been doing with my fellow diners. Nope, she didn't. I figured she was busy, and I didn't want to get in her way and call her when she's got other people to serve. So I'll just wait for when she's got time to come ask me. I waited. And waited. Ten minutes went by. It turned into a game between me and her, even though I'm sure she had no idea there was even a fuckin' game going on. A battle of wills. She WILL come and ask me if I want a dessert, or a refill, or ANYTHING, I thought to myself. She didn't.

Twenty minutes pass. During this period, she happily served the guy to the left of me and the guy to the right of me. She happily put up with the fidgety diner to my left telling her about how his mother died two weeks ago and afterwards he came to Norm's to eat liver and onions but he couldn't finish it, and today he intends on eating the whole thing. She not only DIDN'T give him or the guy to my right a check with the meal, she asked them if they had any room for dessert. What did I do? I was nice. I'm always nice to the wait staff. Ask the few friends who've eaten with me. I'm always nice, I never send anything back, I tip minimum 20% and I pay "rent" if I stay over an hour. Back when things were good, I once gave a waitress a 50% tip because I thought she deserved it. I apologize to the wait staff if I happen to be eating with drunk friends in the mood to fuck with them. I convince my friends and family to go 20% minimum. I am of the belief that waiters and waitresses have to put up with a lot of shit, and nine times out of ten it's the customers fault. In the dining world, I'm fuckin' Mr. White to all the Mr. Pinks that eat with me. If you are a waiter or waitress and you get me as a customer, in all seriousness, you will be taken care of. I am one of the good guys. And yet this lady, this waitress, this fucking bitch is dissing ME? This. Fucking. CUNT!

Eventually, I went ahead and called her when she came to give the guy to my right a refill of coffee. She looked annoyed and I asked her for the dessert and gave her my ticket. She said she would get to it after serving the other guy next to me. I said fine. Finally she came back with my dessert, and asked me how the movie was. I told her it was funny. She responded by telling me that she heard that there was male nudity, and if that was true. I told her there was. She frowned and walked away. Too little too late, lady.

The "super schooner" I had was delicious. I finished up, cleared up my area, paid for the meal and left that fuckin' cunt 15%. That's the first time I've left a tip below 20%, and what kills me is that she won't get what I was trying to say with that tip. I was trying to say that the service was way below fuckin' par but she'll just come away thinking I was a cheap bastard. Because it can't be their fault, right? It's never their fault.

I know, I know. Somehow I'm in the wrong for this, right? Don't bother, I'll bury myself -- I'm a fat fuck who doesn't deserve decent service and I should die a horrible painful long death and when it happens I'll be alone. The End.